The Official Rape is Never Justified, Inc. Tumblr!

I’ve seen a frequent theme on the RNJ page and I figured I’d discuss it here.  Obviously, the title says “Dating After Rape” and that will be the topic for tonight’s blog. 

It took me a couple of years to realize that not every guy that hit on me or flirted with me was going to hurt me.  I was mostly secluded, I was a big hermit and I didn’t like to go out and meet new people or anything so I just alienated myself.  It was much easier than having to be a part of the world.  But the thing is, not everybody is going to hurt you.  You don’t wear this badge on your shirt or a tattoo on your forehead that says “I am a rape survivor” or “I am a survivor of sexual abuse”.  When you’re meeting somebody for the first time, they aren’t going to think that or assume that about you unless you just say it.  When you’re meeting a new person, for whatever reason, you get to pick and choose what you want them to know about you. 

I personally don’t hide the fact that I am a survivor of rape.  Any guy who wants to date me knows that I work for this organization and if they can put two and two together, they can assume that I was a rape victim at one point in my life and they can make their own decisions based on what they think without me influencing it. My problem was that when a guy I was dating tried to get to close, I pulled back immediately and withdrew.  I didn’t want anything serious and I didn’t understand why any guy would have a problem with that.  My problem was not that I didn’t trust anybody and not that I was clingy and emotional or a vast array of different emotions or things, I was just not into it like they were.  I didn’t want to be wooed and romanced nor did I want to have the sort of lovey dovey relationship every other person secretly yearns for.  My rape turned me into a drone that didn’t want a relationship and just wanted to date. 

There is an educational problem where women think there is something wrong with them because dating isn’t important to them.  There is something wrong with women thinking they are failing in some aspect because their sole purpose in life isn’t to get married and to start a family.  Maybe, after rape, yes, a victim does not want to be a part of the social scene and is afraid of dating.  But that is all in your head.  You can over come anything you fear, anything you are terrified of and anything that makes you uncomfortable if you simply put your mind to it.  Talking about it is extremely helpful, but thinking about it, and I mean actually thinking about why you act the way you do and why you react the way you do, and why you think the way you do will put things in perspective for you.  You’ll be able to realize what is bothering you and not just wonder what you can do about it, but actually act on it.

So if you’re afraid of dating because you don’t trust somebody, be upfront.  Be honest.  If you honestly don’t think you can date somebody without letting them know you were raped, by all means, tell them.  Let them know what they’re getting into.  If they don’t accept you for who you are and what you’ve been through, then, quite frankly, they are not good enough for you.  It’s plain and simple. 

I know it’s easier said than done, but if positions were reversed, would you want to know something as important as that?  Don’t be ashamed of what happened to you.  If it is such an important part of your social make-up then why are you going to hide and pretend it isn’t there.  I don’t identify as “Elizabeth the Rape Victim”, I identify as “Elizabeth”.  I refuse to let what happened to me cripple me more than it already did and already has.  And neither should you. 

Elizabeth Kiss

January 8, 2012